Navigating High-Conflict Separation with Structure and Grace
High-conflict separation doesn't just live in paperwork or court dockets; it lives right in your nervous system—the sudden drop in your stomach when a notification pings, the tight clench in your jaw, the 4:00 AM panic spirals wondering how your children are absorbing the crossfire.
When you’re deep in the trenches of a bitter split, every text feels like a landmine and every schedule change feels like an existential threat. That is why I always return to the brilliant, grounded wisdom of Justice Andrea Himel of the Superior Court of Justice, Family Branch.
In her essential resource, 32 Tips for Parents Experiencing High Conflict Situations, Justice Himel cuts straight through the emotional chaos with a hard, liberating truth: you cannot survive high conflict by playing the old, destructive game. Her framework maps out what it actually takes to protect your kids and your own sanity—treating co-parenting like a professional business partnership, remembering your children have two homes but one life, and choosing to be smart rather than right.
Resource: Justice Andrea Himel’s 32 Tips for Parents Experiencing High Conflict Situations
Authored by Justice Andrea Himel, Superior Court of Justice, Family Branch
Goals for Parents to Reduce Conflict Post-Separation:
Develop a business-like relationship.
Remember that children have 2 homes but 1 life.
Protect children from exposure to the conflict.
Accept that co-parenting lasts forever.
Core Guidance & Tips:
Educate yourself about the impact of separation, and focus on supporting your children rather than blaming the other parent.
Consider whether post-separation/co-parenting counseling may be beneficial.
Manage your family members, as they can be part of the problem (or part of the solution).
Understand that the first two years post-separation are often the hardest for everyone.
"Step in the other parent's shoes".
"Step in your children's shoes".
Obtain Independent Legal Advice.
Remember that there is usually a wide range of resolution that is reasonable.
If your personal or professional advisers are worsening the conflict, considering finding a new support network.
"Dig deeper" towards empathy and resolution.
Focus on your interests (needs) rather than your positions (wants).
When litigating, avoid taking unreasonable positions (and in doing so defend against costs).
If self-represented at Court, follow the Family Law Rules and local practice directions.
Ensure that the relief sought focuses on the children's best interests.
Listen to the Judge.
Avoid unnecessary delay.
Avoid "going for the jugular".
Who are the other people in your family's network that can be helpful?
Consider alternate dispute resolution options, such as mediation, negotiation and collaboration.
When preparing for mediation, know your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement: (Know your "Best" day in Court).
Be aware of conflicts of interest or role conflicts.
Conflict has hidden and obvious effects on parents and children; financial, emotional and social costs.
Don't draw professional and personal advisers into the conflict.
Consider the children's needs: (a) individually; (b) as a sibling group; and (c) developmentally.
Recognize that children's needs change over time, and parenting plans may need to change as well.
Make written communications: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.
Accept that you or your children may benefit from counseling.
Collaborate with teachers and professionals.
Delay introducing new partners until the relationship appears to be long-term.
Advise the other parent of important milestones (remarriage, new baby...), before the children.
Always "take the high road".
Extricate your family from the high conflict situation; Avoid becoming a "High Conflict Case".
