12 Years Ago

I held her 12 years ago.

That one one-sided embrace is all I get this lifetime.

I held her 12 years ago, in complete shock.

Is this one-sided embrace all I get this lifetime?

I kissed her 12 years ago.

The tiny kiss planted on extra rosy lips must sustain me forever.

I kissed her 12 years ago, shaking uncontrollably.

Why are her lips that deep shade of red?

I understood love 12 years ago

Holding her, wrapped up and perfect, I knew I’d die for her.

I understood love 12 years ago, and also loss.

Who the fuck do I need to negotiate with to get her back?

I was born a mother 12 years ago.

A childless mother whose arms ached.

She made me a mother 12 years ago, tear-streaked face.

How do I honour her in everything that I do?

I last saw her 12 years ago.

One last stolen moment on a couch in a funeral home.

I feel her in everything I do, and everything I’ve created.

Who would she look like her sister and act like her mama?

!2 years is a long time to be without something, to feel like it might just be around the next bend, slightly out of reach but, 12 years is just the beginning, we are just warming up.

In 12 years, we’ve made hospital changes, started a conversation about stillbirth, held hands with an entire community of people who felt like they were in the dark.  I’ve put it out there, I’ve put you out there, unapologetically. 

We’ve made noise, haven’t we?

Let’s keep making noise - I’ll sing extra loud tonight right before I blow out your candles for you.

Happy 12th birthday, Penelope.

You are loved and never forgotten.