"MOOT"
My gaze turns up, the point is moot
You catch the shift, one I can’t dispute
I brush you off, your teeth are in
I sigh, look at you, and begin
I laid it out, which broke my heart
Threw up some walls, accepted my part
I’m learning to love, just as we are
Hands in my pockets, not reaching for the stars
I accept, move forward, move through
Goal destination – the very same place as you
Forgive me, my word choice, my distant gaze
My heart slightly fractured, yet still ablaze
I stir my drink, breathe, look up
Move to another subject, quite abrupt
I’m talking, distracted, rambling a touch
Fearful, if not careful, I’ll ruin our lunch
There’s a shift in you too, I scan your eyes
Don’t like to often, but I press and pry
Your gaze to me, straight on, absurd
Say you don’t like my choice of word
“Moot”, it hurt, it stung, went deep
With me, you wanna snuggle and sleep
“Moot”, it hurts, babe, it stings so deep
With you, I wanted to forever keep
WELCOME TO STARE
I kept my eyes open
Last night, in the dark.
They adjusted to the light
That emitted from our spark.
I watched you watch me,
Our connection, insane.
As you traced my lines
By the flicker of our flame.
Your eyes held still,
hands wandered my length.
I dared not move a muscle,
Taking all of my strength.
At the end of the night,
In the darkness, I’m held.
Eyes still, your hands exploring,
To kiss you, I’m compelled
We left it all there
In the dark, eyes wide.
Bodies and souls bared,
While laying on our sides.
I feel the need to tell you,
Even though you are well aware.
You, in the dark,
Are always welcome to stare.
THE CORNERS
Four corner pieces
Coveted, prized
Four in total
All within her eyes
Sharp and jagged
Ready to battle
Growing too fast
Holding her rattle
In she comes
Fitting that piece
Right where it belongs
The gap now ceased
Soft and rounded
Awaiting connection
Needing to slow
Craving direction
In she comes
Fitting that piece
Right where it belongs
The gap now ceased
Disproportionately strong
Needing encouragement
Growing so fast
Needing nourishment
In she comes
Fitting that piece
Right where it belongs
The gap now ceased
Tiny, right-angled
Simply defeated
Doing too much
Everyday repeated
In she comes
Fitting that piece
Right there it belongs
Beside me
ALL OF HER
Please don’t get it confused
I’d hate for you to be confused
I don’t love a woman
I love her
Her eyes
How they pierce
When they look
Beneath my skin
Her skin
How it holds history
Thousands of years
Erupting in her spirit
Her sprit
How it dances
Next to me
All shoulders and legs
Her legs
How they wrap tightly
Around my hips
Mouth to mouth
Her mouth
How it turns
For me as I move in
To kiss
Her kiss
How it’s soft
And hard
Mimicking my own
No
I don’t love a woman
But I do love her
All of her
HOLD ME
Hold my hand when skies get rough
The other, I’ll place on your thigh
Hold me close when it feels too much
The tears, dabbed from my eyes
Hold my gaze whenever you catch it
The message, I’ll always receive
Hold my drink whilst I flutter a sec
To you, I’ll never leave
Hold my life within your hands
Outstretched, from me to you
Take them from me, one by one
Till you hold my entire crew
3:10
You unmute and I start
Into my fears
Social media fears
And you
You unmute and tell me
It valid
What I am feeling
Is valid
You unmute as I sob
And pat my head
Long, gentle strokes
My sobbing eases
You unmute and we laugh
So silly
Maybe it’s a good thing, you say
It’s normal, babe
You unmute and ease my fears
With that voice
I could close my eyes to that voice
Forever
We mute and begin again
Apart but next to me
You hold my hand
Through a long 3:10
UNRAVEL
Unravel.
I tell you that I like that word.
But I keep to myself the imagery
Of one girl, in her fullest skirt, spinning
At the hand of another girl.
Parts are falling away
Like crumbs from the side of the cake
Before it’s dressed
Frosted in beautiful colours
These crumbs that fall
Leave me feeling unravelled
Exposed and dizzy
You held steady my gaze
My layers now stacked
The spinning has come to end
I bend at the waist
Putting it all back together
Frosted in colour
Glittering for all
Housed in glass
Waiting to be sung to.
THE BIRDS
Are those birds? –
You ask, straining to hear
I imagine the birds
Staying silent until now
Straining to hear
Us
Moving from
Awkward
To anger
Apology
From laughter
More anger
To boundaries
And triggers
And finally -
Here.
They are birds –
I confirm, romanticizing their sounds
I imagine they
Sat silent until now
Waiting to hear
Us
Arriving at
Peace
From anger
Laughter
and tears
To the dissolution
Of negativity via
Knowledge of triggers
And boundaries
And finally
Here.
Here we are,
With the birds
Singing both Good Morning
And Goodnight.
DON'T CALL ME...
You don’t get to call me narrow minded
Unless you too have broadened your horizons
Hopped on and off planes
To places far off
Cultures extreme
You don’t get to call me narrow minded at all
You don’t get to call me uneducated
Unless you have read a fucking book yourself
One, just one book
Or learned how to research, write reports
Or critically review information handed to you
You don’t get to call me uneducated at all
You don’t get to call me opinionated
As if you haven’t loved it for 20 years
Like you haven’t taken from debates with me
Grown through my vantage point
And embraced this quality all along
You don’t get to call me opinionated at all
You don’t get to call me arrogant and ignorant
When I decline an invitation
To further discuss a hot-button topic
In an attempt to salvage a friendship
A friendship of 20 years
You don’t get to call me arrogant and ignorant at all.
You don’t get to call me rude and disrespectful
When I request that you stop mansplaining
My feelings to me.
They are my feelings. Mine, not yours!
Stop talking over me about how I feel
You don’t get to call me rude and disrespectful at all.
So now, you don’t get to call me
You don’t get to call me at all.
PACK LIGHT
I’ll pack light, my love.
I won’t need much where we are going.
Together, under the warmth of the sun,
We won’t need that much.
Memories can be tied to items, yes.
However, if too many fill your bag,
The effect is diluted.
Let’s not dilute these memories, love.
A bikini or two will do.
One on my body, the other hanging in the room.
Help me to tie it in the morning,
And untie for me in the light of the moon.
I’ll toss in a dress -
Light and flowy, something that moves as I do.
I’ll wear it out and for years to come
You’ll associate that dress with these moments.
I’ll leave behind the flat iron and the blow dryer.
Beach hair is attainable on a beach.
The saltwater will season it
And the tropical winds blow it dry.
On the counter at home, stays a few other items:
The bronzer and mascara.
The sun will tan my fair skin and my eyes,
My eyes will widen naturally in this place.
Let’s go.
Let’s explore the world and each other,
Without the weight of our things,
Save a few.
GRAND SLAM
Can I ask you a question?
Didn’t you just?
My answer is given
Before context is.
I hit it,
Bang on,
Hammer to nail,
One swift swing.
I ask context,
Immediately regretting
My need to know more.
Perhaps knowing less
Is bliss,
A bliss not offered
Because I asked context
And you are all too eager
To share with me.
The convo ends
Because I need it to,
But like a fool
I pick it back up
On a trail.
My desire to clarify
My position,
Or rather hers,
Because her voice
Wasn’t heard.
It was placed into a box,
Labelled incorrectly.
I tell you how I see it
And you see it too.
You saw it too, right?
I ask you now,
You saw it too, right?
Can I ask you a question?
Didn’t I just?
The answer is given,
No context required
And I hit it
Out of the park,
With a point of the bat
Before the swing--
Grand slam.
Immediately regretting
My need to know it all.
You subscribe to
Less is more.
I don’t need context,
You assume,
And aren’t too eager
To share with me.
TAILSPIN
When I was younger
I’d pick the dress with a fullest skirt.
They were better for spinning.
The youngest of 6,
I’d wander down to the creek,
Arms stretched wide and spin beside the water.
My dress would open with me.
There I would spin,
feet naked on the earth,
Arms outstretched,
face towards the sun.
I’d twirl,
open to the world until it was too much.
Until I fell to the earth,
laughing as I fell.
I’m still that little girl,
by the creek in the oversized skirt.
Making my choices based on how it spins.
I’m still the youngest of 6,
the wander has never left my heart.
Arms stretched open,
face towards the warmth.
I’m spinning,
opening up ,
praying I’m not too much
Fingers crossed I’m still smiling as I fall.
UNDEFINED
Define me
Look me up
Take what you know
The feeling you get
And jot it down
Capture me in words
Where would you start?
What moment in time?
You think you know
It’s false confidence
For I know better
My attempts have failed too
You know of moments
I share a few often
But if you listen there are others
I am a collection of things
A work in progress
Yet to be defined
Because in the quiet of the night
When my mind races
One defining moment to the next
I think I’ve made progress
But my own definition
Comes up short
Because, you see
There are no defining moments
No specific catalysts in time
To which I attach my anchor
I am a collection
Combined
My definition, fluid
And so is yours
And yours and yours
For we are not our births
Her death or the trauma
You are water, capable of movement
Our definitions are fluid
TRUST, LOVE.
I sit and collect myself before opening the door -
Twice.
There are two doors.
Two moments in time.
Cornerstones of my life so far.
Pivotal moments in the reinvention of self.
Life will demand that you open the door:
Even if just a crack,
Even if you can’t breathe,
Even if you crumple,
Knees to chest,
Tears streaming as you peer in.
Trust, love.
Trust that on the other side of any door
The world simply spins on.
You must join it
When you are ready.
You must always join -
Because you can’t miss this.
It’s going to be grand.
Trust that it’s going to be grand, love.
Open it a crack so that others can peer in
And see you.
Smile as they pass by.
Open it a crack so that you may peer in.
Take in the pink room, the empty crib, and unused rocker
Collecting dust in the corner.
Stand up, open the door, and
Trust, love.
MOTHER'S DAY, 2013
“Why is that little girl so sad, mama?”
My heart stopped.
Your tiny hand pointed to the stairs,
At nothing.
He came out from the kitchen,
Our eyes bounced between each other
And the empty staircase,
That held everything we needed.
That moment, now a memory
Burned into my mind.
A gift - much like the pottery
And homemade cards I have tucked away.
We stood, frozen:
Minds racing, questions flowing.
We didn’t want to alert you
To the emptiness of the stairs.
I asked you
“How old is she, baby?’
“Three,” you state, matter-of-factly.
And then, as if corrected in real time,
“Four. She’s going to be four.”
DISCOVERY
Who says?
Who says there is nothing left
to discover?
We almost believed that
But we know better.
Who says?
Who says there is no landscape left
to explore?
We don’t believe that.
We know better.
Narrow the view,
Eliminate the excess,
and you’ll discover
something you didn’t know.
To date, you remain
the one discoverer of that vortex.
Simply because:
you narrowed your view
eliminated the excess
and explored my landscape.
TWENTY WORDS
20 words or less,
That was the challenge.
What if I want more?
What if I require more characters?
Loving you is simple.
It’s tied to simple moments
And done with ease:
A bared soul,
Welcomed touch with purpose,
Swayed hips in the kitchen while coffee is brewing,
Two lines of a song sung as I move around you,
A kiss on the arm during a car ride,
Tears flowing freely on the dark days,
And belly laughs on the good.
It’s simple, love.
This is love.
It’ll last and be grand in the simplest of moments.
We’ll last and be grand in the simplest of moments.
UNSOLICITED
I wish someone had told me
Warned me
Unsolicited, even
I would have rolled my eyes
But tucked it away
They would say
There will come a day
When your hips move
Not just with purpose
But with pride
You’ll lift your not-so-sunken eyes
And greet those around you
Connecting with the world once again
They would tell me
It’s coming
I wouldn’t have listened
But I would have processed it
And when it came
Could have explained
Connection
And pride
To my soul
That way, I would have been ready
To greet the world again
Eyes up and hips swinging
Side to side
Side to side
So here is my warning, sweet girl
When that baby is off your hip
Too heavy to carry for more than a moment
And sleep returns
really returns to your tired eyes
tread lightly with those hips
and be careful who you look into the eyes
HERE LIES A MAN
Beside me.
Forever.
Here lies a man who doesn’t snore.
Allowing me to quietly type away without my thoughts being disturbed
By his breath.
I look over to him and remember:
He’s moved on without me,
followed me,
waited for me,
and ultimately walks beside me.
We’ve scaled mountains,
his hands on my ass as he pushed me,
onwards and upwards.
Onwards and upwards.
We’ve gotten purposefully lost
in foreign lands,
because that’s how I like to travel.
He has been to hell with me,
held me in the pitch black,
pulled me from the depth of despair,
and showed me that light exists
in even the darkest of spaces.
This man.
This man has never told me:
no.
Never.
Not once.
If I want it, we find a way.
Together.
This man makes my coffee,
and waits patiently to discuss life with me.
Politics, religion, the kids.
I shoot him a look
that says I’m not ready.
It’s too early to talk religion.
He backs down.
Waits for the coffee to kick in.
The coffee has kicked in.
I’m wide awake to all that he is,
and isn’t.